Surely, we all die…

On Sunday I attended a service for a dear, sweet, godly woman who has made a special impact on my life. She lived, what many would consider, a full life; the matriarch of her family as loving mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, and great-grandmother, a founding member of a decades-old church that she treated like family, a faithful dual-citizen who lived through the bombings of her native England during WWII and became an American military wife and remained faithful to both nations, and a sweet elderly woman who loved to offer you tea, cookies, and candies with each visit. Even knowing that her health was deteriorating and knowing that her time was short when I went to see her a month ago, it is still jarring to realize that she is no longer here on this earth.

I have been thinking a lot about death for the past weeks. What is it like to die? What happens in that final moment when you pass away? What will go through your mind if you know you are dying? As a person who likes to think through every possible scenario in dealing with situations (read as, “wants to be constantly in control”), I have thought through how I would handle losing any of those closest to me. As strange as it may seem, I have thought through, as best as I am able knowing that thinking it through is far different than experiencing it, losing my husband or daughter or parent or sister in various circumstances. But what will it be like when it is me?

In my observation, there seems to be two types of people when it comes to encountering death – those that want to know they are dying so they can prepare and for those that want to have no idea it is coming and just have it happen. No matter which side of the fence you are on, I believe that fear drives you to that stance. I am on the “want to know” side, and my fear is that I will not be able to say goodbye to my loved ones in a way that will bring them peace and closure. As nice as that may sound, the cold glass of reality to my face lately has been that there is no guarantee that it will happen that way.

And then fear started to creep in. It could be any moment. Today. Next year. Thursday. It could be anywhere. At home. In my car. It could be anything. Car accident. Health. Trip on the sidewalk. My husband won’t have his wife. My parents won’t have their oldest daughter. My daughter won’t have her mother.

I have to admit, I struggled with this for a few days and still do a little bit. I was significantly afraid to go to sleep at night, fully aware that I could die in the night. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my heart beat faster, only to think in vain that I’m going to stress myself into a heart attack and die from worrying about dying! As funny as that may sound, fear had gripped my heart.

So what did I do?

I remembered the truth. There is a God who is the creator of life, including my life. God has numbered my days. He knows them, I do not. The things of the world will pass away. You can have riches, a wonderful talent, a successful business, trinkets, a loving family, the perfect house, or just the clothes on your back. It all passes a way.

I remembered to enjoy each day. Each and every day contains trials, but it contains so many more blessings.  Enjoy each moment you have, especially with the people you care about.  To have the last thing my family hears me say is “I love you” each time we part.  Live for God each day, even in the little things.

I remembered that God has a plan.  He has one for me, for my husband, for my daughter, and for you.  Part of my relationship with God is to trust that He is in control and His plan is good.  It is a waste to worry about when and how I die because I do not know, but I know God has a plan.  And I thanked God for that plan that I do not know, because the reality is I could not handle knowing the exact day I would die.

I remembered to share the peace I have.  Even with the fear I had of the uncertainty of how I die and what those final moments will feel like, I am confident of where I will be when I pass.  There is peace in that, an indescribable peace that frees me to enjoy life instead of fear throughout it.  But not everyone has that peace.  Not everyone understands that there is a God who loves, so much so that He made a way for us to have a relationship with Him not just in life today, but for eternity.  I want to share that with people who don’t know what happens after we die.

We all die.  Although it is unavoidable, it does not need to be all consuming.  My short time of constantly thinking about and wrestling with death has brought me peace rather than fear because of knowing who God is and having a relationship with Him.

New Year’s Resolutions (to be broken)

Are you one of those people who looks to the new year as a clean slate?  A fresh start?  An opening to a new chapter?  The opportunity to make lasting, life-changing improvements to make your life better/healthier/happier/productive?  Do you take the time to evaluate your life and think about what you would like to see different in you within the next year?

Do you ever actually fulfill/complete your New Year’s resolution(s)?

If you said yes to both questions, continued blessings and improvements to your life.  I’ll try not to hate you. (kidding)

If you said yes to the first set and laughed at the second, you’re not alone.  Most people don’t.  I have yet to fully complete a resolution in the 10 years that I have made them on New Year’s.  So why, for the love of all confetti and party hats, do I think about making a new set of resolutions, knowing that I will likely fail?

1)  I am the organizational and structured type of person.  Surprises and spontaneity are (mostly) welcomed, but if left to my own devices I would have a set schedule for my life.  So the idea of working towards being better at organizing or improving my life is and always will be appealing to me.

2) There is no other time in the year that provides a global feeling of closing one chapter and beginning another.  Many people will make resolutions for new stages in life (going into college, graduating from college, getting married, having a baby, etc.), and I did all of those too.  But the start of a new year will always have that draw of starting something new and the opportunity to become new.  I think a part of the impact for me is that New Year’s Eve is an event that occurs around the world and effects everyone (even those who don’t use a Gregorian calendar still see the celebration of New Year’s Eve) while simultaneously having the potential to impact individuals.

3)  The week after Christmas has always been a time for reflection on the year for me.  The number one thing that I come across is thinking about the people that are no longer with me and what regrets I would have if I didn’t have the next year.  I believe each and every day is a gift, and the new year especially stands out as a time for me to live life the way that I think it should (which in some cases is way different than the way that I do) and to actually do it.  Life is so short, and I don’t know when it’ll end.  I don’t think of that very often, even though it should be a daily reminder, but I am at least thankful that I do think of it before the new year.

4) Every year I fail at keeping my resolutions.  I even fail at keeping most of the commitments I’ve made on this blog.  But despite all the failure, there has still been improvement in my life.  Whenever I failed at a resolution, it pushed me further to try again the next year.  And sometimes I didn’t keep all of the resolution, but maintained a portion of it (like the years that I am crazy enough to think I can resolve to never eat sweets again, but at least I am more mindful in not consuming them by the fistfuls).  If anything, the past years in making resolutions has tempered me to make them more precise.  If you resolved to run a marathon and didn’t but you now go on runs on a regular basis, that is still an improvement.  And that improvement, tiny as it may be compared to the glaring failure of the overall resolution, is still there and still makes an impact.  I like to set the bar super high for myself, giving me the opportunity to stretch myself even if I don’t fulfill the resolutions.  I set a whole list of resolutions, not because I know based on past experience that I will fail in all if not most of them, but so that I can make even minor improvements in those areas of my life that I know need change.

So here’s my list of resolutions:
*  Study the Bible everyday.  This has got to be the #1 resolution (or some variation of it) of most Christians.  I have felt very convicted that I will multi-task and listen to music or TV shows while doing laundry or working on the computer but only recently thought that I could listen to the bible instead.  So I’m going to do just that, and have set up limitations on how often I listen to other stuff.
* Start a prayer journal.  I am one of those people who will offer to pray for you, whole-heartedly mean it, but sadly run the chance of forgetting about it after a week or so unless it is something that manages to stick with me.  I want to start a prayer journal for two reasons – to remember what I’m praying for and to see the power of prayer.  I’ve heard and spoken about how prayers have been answered, but I think the visual of seeing how prayer requests turn out will serve as a testament and encouragement to pray more.  I even got a mini whiteboard for the fridge (Thanks, Dad & Mom!) to write them so at each meal I can remember to pray.
* Acknowledge / remember family birthdays – I specifically took action on this already by asking and receiving a perpetual calendar for Christmas (Thanks, Dad & Mom!).  I have a large family, combined with my husband’s large extensive family, and I want to remember them and acknowledge them in some small way.  I love my family, and I think that taking the time to remember their birthdays is a small step in showing that love better to them.
* Invest in friendships -I let life get in the way, so I decided to really think about who and how I want to invest in building solid relationships.  Moving from Kentucky to California has provided a shift and opportunity to rekindle old relationships and maintain the current ones.  We’ll see how I do.
* Reach my goal weight / BMI – I was working on this over the past 6 months and made some really great strides in improving my eating habits, increasing exercise (thanks to Wii Fit and Just Dance), and losing weight.  I am totally in the realm of possibility to reach my normal BMI range this year, and that is sooo exciting to me.
* Complete 50% of my Day Zero project list – Surprisingly, I’ve completed some of it already (maybe 15%?), I just haven’t updated the list and talked about it, which brings us too….
* Blog twice a month – Every week just doesn’t work for me.  Life is too busy, and I don’t have that many things to talk about.  So at the very least, my Day Zero project list should provide enough fodder for writing two blogs.  If I do more, great!

If I were to improve in these areas by December 2012, I will consider that a huge success.  Progress is made in steps, and I’m hoping to take them next year.

So are you making resolutions?  What are they?  Are you assuming you will fail, or are you hopeful that this will be the year to fulfill them?  Do you even bother with them?  Whatever you decide, I hope you have a happy celebration of and an even better new year.

Why Holiday Shopping is Annoying

It is the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and it is likely that you are enjoying some leftovers as we get into the holiday season.  Today happens to be the middle of the frantic post-Thanksgiving shopping.  Don’t believe me?  Well, many stores extended their Black Friday sales until Saturday, while other stores extended their Cyber Monday deals until Wednesday (even some beginning today).

Now, I’m not a shopper, to say the least.  I would rather treat shopping like a race rather than an excursion.  I will admit that Black Friday shopping had an alluring appeal with the excitement of getting that amazing deal and the camaraderie of being one amongst thousands of people crazy enough to stay up all night just to shop.  Over the last few years, that appeal has faded, and now I am disappointed (and a little angry, even) with the monster that Black Friday has become.  Here are my reasons below for not liking Black Friday shopping, along with ways that I still made my Christmas shopping a successful experience.

1)It’s all about stuff.

Being an American, I can almost absolutely guarantee that I am more materialistic than 50% of the world, at least.  Christmas has been commercialized, and the special day designated to buying gifts is close to gaining equal standing in importance and preparation as  the day in which you give said gifts.  And what frustrates me even more are the commercials that say “it’s not about the gifts, it’s about the memories/moments shared with the ones you love”.  Lies.  If it was about the moments and memories, you wouldn’t need the recordable book / diamond necklace / new car / turtle neck sweater / _____________ (fill in the blank).  You could record a video / make a necklace / NOT BUY A CAR / make a sweater or scarf / make or do something that doesn’t require buying a product.  And I’m not saying this like I’m immune to the emotional strings that businesses pull.  There are times where I feel like __________ will be the best gift ever and will mean so much to me or will make my life so much easier.  One the other side, I love giving gifts.  It is not because I want the person to appreciate me or to think highly of me (well ok, most of the time it’s not that), I just genuinely like giving.  It’s fun to give something to a loved one that you know s/he will be excited about.

So how do you balance the desire to want to give gifts while fighting the need to make it all about stuff?  For me, I did two things that helped give me perspective.  First, I created a 25 days of Christmas calendar to do with my family, geared mainly towards Ladybug, filled with activities that are free or very cheap that we do together.  We videotape or take pictures of the activity for each day as a reminder that the holiday season is not about shopping.  Second, we designated the same amount of money that we will spend on one family member’s gifts in our Christmas budget (more on that below) for charity.  There are people who will struggle to eat and survive, and this very small contribution helps me to keep things in perspective.

2) Mega-huge flat screen TV for only $1,000,000!

Ok, so that is not exactly a deal.  But the items that goes on sale might as well be $1,000,000 because I can’t afford to spend that kind of money on anyone, including myself.  Having said that, do you know how tempting it is to try and convince yourself that you can afford a big ticket item that on any other day you would not even look at or consider?  I don’t know if that is part of the ploy to start the sales super early in the morning (which, if you think about it, would make a lot of sense), but the big signs and flashing lights can rope in even the greatest pincher of pennies.  Couple that with the above mentioned desire to want to give people great gifts and you have a disastrous situation on your hands that can lead to the slaughter of your bank account or the lingering sense of guilt for not being able to buy your loved ones that new hot item that you know s/he will love.  For people who can afford to do that, kudos to getting great deals on those great gifts.  For those of us, pointing at myself here, who can’t afford those awesome gifts, what do you do?

The answer to this one is a tough pill to swallow.  You create a Christmas budget, and you stick to it.  No matter what.  No one likes to admit that they can’t afford to give “great” (read as “expensive”) gifts, but this is again where the above mentioned perspective comes into play.  It’s not about the gifts.  You can’t just say that, you have to own it and make choices based on that statement.  Creating a budget is one of those choices.  Ninja and I sat down and looked at what we could afford, and designated the same amount of money for each family member (including the amount we will give to charity).  From there, I went shopping knowing that I only had $___ for each person.  That meant that I either had to get creative in my ideas or limit myself to only getting one, maybe two, of the gifts that I knew each person wanted.  I gotta tell you, it is tough to do, and I spent a lot of time pricing things out before purchasing.  But that inspired me all the more to keep the perspective, find creative ways to be more meaningful with the gifts (including handmade crafts and such), and to remember that none of my loved ones would want me to be dirt broke just to give them Christmas presents.

3) That Good ol’ Holiday Cheer!

I worked as a server in a restaurant that was either in a mall or next door to a shopping center for three Black Fridays.  Holiday cheer is a rare thing to see in the midst of the Black Friday chaos.  When a mall is so packed that there are “flows of traffic” down the main corridor and you can’t get to that one store without feeling like you have to fight upstream like a salmon in a river and that one lady with the 17 bags nearly knocks you over and there are at least 6 pitifully crying children within earshot begging to eat or go home, not to mention the stampede when the doors open at 3am, it is surprising that people still participate in this year in and year out!  Otherwise civil, decent people can become juvenile, aggressive bullies for the sake of getting the last “doorbuster” item or this year’s “top toy”.  It’s insanity!

I’m going to be honest here, there is very little you can do.  If you want to engage in Black Friday, you need to be prepared.  Be prepared that someone (and likely more than one) will be rude or nasty to you.  Be prepared to have a have a happy attitude.  Maybe you can spread holiday cheer to someone else and start a chain effect?  And maybe you won’t, but the more important thing here is to check your attitude and be mindful of how you and those with you are behaving.  And please, as one who has experienced this firsthand, do your very best to be polite and kind to the retailers.  More than likely they do not want to be working on Black Friday and have a lot on their plates, so be appreciative of the hard work that they do so that you can do your shopping.  It is a stressful day for all, and if the perspective of why we are shopping stays in focus, then the general snarkiness and rudeness won’t lessen your Black Friday experience.

4) Did I mention the crazy people?

When I worked as a server in a restaurant, I had one lady at Black Friday insist to me that her order was incorrect.  I apologized (primarily in the hopes of still getting a tip, as oftentimes tips are neglected or forgotten with all the other money spent on Black Friday) and asked what was wrong so that I could get it corrected quickly.  She repeated her order in a stern, I’m-talking-to-a-small-child-rather-than-a-grown-woman tone, exactly what was before her on the table.  Trying to hide my confusion and to specifically resolve the issue, I asked her very politely to point out the part that was incorrect in what she received.  Infuriated that I was even implying that I didn’t know what was wrong, she crossed her arms and insisted on speaking with someone of “adequate intelligence” since I am unable top comprehend the problem.  I apologized for the misunderstanding, went to get a manager, who then spent 20 minutes trying to figure out what was wrong with her order and eventually gave her the meal for free and she left in a fit.  A few days later, the woman returned in a very humble and approachable demeanor, apologizing for her behavior.  Apparently, she thought she was in a different restaurant in the mall and, having always ordered the same thing at the other location, knew that it was incorrect because it didn’t look the same as what she remembered it to be from the many times she had eaten before at the other restaurant.

Although that story is cute as it demonstrates how people can be dazed and confused on Black Friday, there is a sidenote that needs to be made regarding safety.  It is very easy to get lost (or worse, lose a child) in the crowds, and Black Friday is prime season for thefts, on top of some people at Black Friday are just plain dazed, confused, or crazy. So just make sure that you are safe, know where everyone in your group is, know where your purse/wallet is, and just be generally aware of your surroundings.

Another rule of thumb is to choose wisely as to when and where to shop.  I decided to go to Target as they were having their sale Friday and Saturday and the same deals were online.  I went into the store at 8:30am Saturday with Ladybug and it was about as crowded as any other Saturday morning, which means there were about 20 customers in the store.  There were plenty of great deals, I could get assistance easily, and the employees were very friendly (and thankful that they survived the chaos of the day before).  Plus, whatever wasn’t in stock at my Target was available online, with lots of items qualifying for free shipping, and I was able to finish my shopping in the comfort of my home.

5) Black Friday starts 10pm Thursday?

Of all my reasons for not liking Black Friday, this one is my biggest.  I remember as a kid when my parents woke up at 5am in order to get to the stores opening at 6am.  All stores opened at the same time.  When I was in high school, they started to move the time back to 5am, and slowly but surely it crept it’s way back further and further into the night.  Now, there are stores that open on Thursday.  How is that considered to still be Black Friday shopping?  When did it become necessary for Black Friday shopping to interrupt the Thanksgiving holiday?

What frustrates me the most is that employees are essentially forced to work on Thanksgiving.  If the sale begins at 10pm, then employees need to arrive at least an hour prior to opening, if not earlier.  Even the 12am openings, in my opinion, interfere with the Thanksgiving holiday more than should be allowed but at least they wait until it is officially Friday to begin the sale.  When I was in college in Kentucky, there were a lot of students that I knew that could not go home for Thanksgiving because they had to work on Thanksgiving.  By living a few hours away, these employees would have to leave either during or immediately after the Thanksgiving meal in order to work on time, taking away from the essence of spending time together on the holiday.  Even those that live close to home still have to make time to get some sleep in order to prepare for their work shift (if you think it is exhausting to shop that early in the morning, try working that early in the morning), whereas employees could at least get a couple of hours of sleep before a 5am opening.    That really frustrates me as to how unfair it is, especially when it is highly unlikely that the executives that make the decision to open their stores on Thanksgiving do not themselves work during the holiday.

As a solution to dealing with this frustration, I have decided to boycott all stores that have Thanksgiving openings and shop for my Christmas gifts elsewhere.  The main stores that I know of that were open Thanksgiving were Michael’s, Toys R Us, and Kmart, all of which are stores that I would have otherwise considered shopping at for Christmas gifts.  It may not seem like I am making a major impact, but I would invite you to join me if you feel the same way.  By shopping at these businesses, we are encouraging them to continue to open on Thanksgiving, which I think takes away from the holiday and is a detriment to the employees who do not have a choice.*  Shop where the sales extend into Saturday instead, like Target, Macy’s, and Kohl’s.

*You may argue that they do indeed have a and in reality I acknowledge that a choice is in fact made.  However, with the way the economy and job market are right now, it would not appear to be a feasible option for the employee to refuse to work.

So there you have it.  I really don’t like Black Friday for the above reasons, but there are some silver linings as I mentioned.  I purchased 70% of my Christmas (and a few December/January birthdays) on Saturday, and plan on finishing the rest tomorrow.  This is the earliest I have finished my Christmas shopping, mainly because this is the first time I have really gotten into Black Friday.  I hope that your holiday shopping goes well and that in the midst of chaos the reason for all the craziness remains your focus.

Happy shopping,
Sapphire